i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
