stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
