I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
