i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
