When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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