does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
