I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
