You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
