I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
