when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
