In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
