I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
