Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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