Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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