you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
