dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
