Where did you get a picture of my penis
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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