What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
