I wish my penis had an off switch
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
