I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
