My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
