After last night, I could never be a politician.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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