you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
