Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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