I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
