I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
