i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
