does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
