she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
