Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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