Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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