When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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