In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
