im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
