So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He? As in you personified your dick?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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