The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
