I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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