did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
