Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
