He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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