I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
