Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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