end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
