Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
