They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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