Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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