He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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