2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
