The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
