so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You left your phone here
Wait...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
