I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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